Living to Die

Death. It’s one of the biggest realities of life. We all must some day pass away from this earth.

As a young person, death is something rarely on my mind. My friends are young and healthy and I expect to live another 30+ years before thinking about death. For us, to be reminded that life is just a vapor and our very being is fragile takes some “near-death experience”—a car accident, a caught fall … a sickness abroad.

Last Saturday I was at all-time low for being sick in India. I was weak, nauseated, and my head was pounding. I also couldn’t move my stiff neck, which was also in excruciating pain. The first doctor we’d visited didn’t seem to help, and I felt like I was only getting worse after already having this headache for a week! It was in those moments of vulnerability that I had thoughts of what it would be like to die in India. I wondered if I was ready: Had I really lived my life to the fullest?

Laying in bed listening to music, one song came on that struck me deep:

“All I once held dear, built my life upon.

All this world reveres and wars to own.

All I once thought gain I have counted loss,

Spent and worthless now compared to this:

Knowing you Jesus, knowing You.

There is no greater thing.

You’re my all, You’re the best,

You’re my joy, my righteousness,

And I love You Lord.”

Regardless of whether or not I was actually close to death last week, the question strikes deep: do I believe Christ to the point of death?

The song goes on to other lyrically rich verses, but this was enough to question my devotion. Like Paul writes in Philippians 3, do I really consider whatever was to my profit to now be loss for the sake of Christ? If I were to really lose everything I build my life upon, would I be okay with that? Do I really put my worldly gains to the side to value knowing Jesus?

It was revealed to me that I do put value in these other things—I want others to think highly of me or to look like I do good ministry—but laying in bed for most of two weeks, I was helpless to do anything. Kyle and others have reminded me that I can be just as obedient to Christ in my illness, by trusting in Him and being happier to know Him than anything else in this world. There really is no greater thing than knowing and glorifying our God, and a sickbed is a great as place as any to “do” that! I pray that I would continue to make the song truer in my life.

Clayton King, the founder of Crossroads Worldwide where I worked summer camp, wrote a book called Dying to Live in which he talks about the need to die to self in order to live fully for Christ. As we are all living to one day die, I think that reversal is what Jesus means when he tells us to deny ourselves, take up our crosses and follow Him. A devoted Jesus-follower, Paul writes:

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Gal. 2:20)

I think my whole life I’ll be learning to sincerely say, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

Jason