Spiritual Longing

“Man is a hungry being. But he is hungry for God.

Behind all the hunger of our life is God. All desire is finally a desire for Him.”

-          Alexander Schmemann

I’m always longing for something. If I’m hungry I long for food. If I’m sick I long for health. If I’m tired I long for sleep. Sometimes I want more free time—to not be so busy. Other times I want something to do. We long for many things. There are all our physical desires: for good food and drink, for safety and security, for sex and marriage, for wealth and luxuries. Yeah, I want that. I also want freedom, love, friendships, and a feeling of connection to something bigger than myself.

I want something bigger than I am. Something wonderful, beautiful and mysterious. Most religions find transcendence through worshiping idols, praying to ancestors or doing good works. I’m not devout enough to earn my way to heaven in any other religion’s philosophy. I don’t think I’d stop 5 times a day to pray to Mecca.

I wouldn’t want to be an atheist either, because then I’d be denying that there is anything beyond myself. I admit I have my doubts about God. Life can be so normal that sometime it feels goofy to bring religion into it, but I also couldn’t believe there is nothing beyond this world. I question the reality of God and the supernatural—even in India—but I still long for God.

I love being a Christian.

Christianity allows us to be close to God. Jesus Christ provides an answer to salvation that is by grace. Because of grace, we are restored to fellowship with God, clean enough by Christ to be with God. Yeah, grace is pretty awesome.

However, even as a Christian I long for more of God, and I long for something more… experiential.

Lacking the numinous

The dictionary defines the adjective “numinous” as “filled with or characterized by a sense of a supernatural presence.” We’ve all had numinous experiences, experiences unlike our everyday physical or material understanding of the world. Philip Yancey writes, “Rumors of another world sneak in even among those who restrict their view to the world of matter.” We have a sense that there’s something more—something spiritual, incorporeal, intangible.

If you are like me, you long for more experiences of the numinous, spiritual dimension. You want to know that there is more than what you can see, hear, smell, taste and touch. You want to feel the spiritual world in a very real way, but without being sent to the psychiatric ward.

Lately I’ve been longing for spiritual fullness—for something more than average Christianity. I want to see miracles. I want my prayers to be answered. I want the atheist in me to be proven wrong.

Recently I lay in bed thinking about times I’ve been extraordinarily filled with joy for the Gospel. Those times I was so excited and grateful for the love of Christ to come and die for my sin, my guilt, my disobedience—to wash me clean of this filth by living a perfect life which He sacrificed for me.

But I don’t feel it now.

I want it back. I had tears come to my eyes and roll down to my pillow as I longed to again hike in the mountains in Idyllwild shouting Ephesians 2 to the trees and running the spectacular trail with joy because of God’s beauty and His grace.

I long to spend a whole day reading the Bible with utter awe at who God is and wonder at the mystery of how He can be so good and true and loving to us. I want to memorize whole chapters of the Word of God and have them floating around my head all day encouraging me to offer myself as a sacrifice to God, to love sincerely, and to be faithful in prayer.

But I don’t feel it now.

Even in India, “doing ministry” all day, praying often, visiting slums, talking with mature, missional Christians—even here I do not feel God all the time. I read the purest truth of the Gospel and am emotionally disengaged, but I long for more.

Trusting anyway

In the end, we cannot know exactly how God works. Not now. Not in this world. We will not have all our questions answered. This frustrates me because I want to see God and see Him work miracles in my life. But we have to trust God anyway. Faith is founded in knowledge, but it endures on hope. We must choose to live by faith.

“Preach the Gospel to yourself every day,” a professor at Biola told a group of us young men. Even when I don’t feel it, even when I might not believe it, every day has to include hope in the core truth that separates me from the secular world.

Throughout the Bible, remembrance is emphasized as a core part of our lives following God. Remembering the times we have experienced the fullness of God carries us through the dark places. The Psalms are full of enduring hope—diligent praise—despite trials and circumstances. Every day we have to remind ourselves of the good news of Jesus Christ.

Peter writes to Christians undergoing suffering throughout the world:

“Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” (1 Peter 1:8-9)

God is all-satisfying. He really is. Remember Him even when you do not see Him. Let your longing lead you to God, because He loves you.